My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.