Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
You know what they say? Words.
How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.