The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
when I’m with you.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.