Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
This is snow laughing matter!
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
You’re so stunning even the Language Police are speechless.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.