“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
Nathan compares to you
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
I’m soy
into you.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
I feel like we're in tune
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
You have me greening from ear to ear.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.