What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal

What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!

What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?

What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.

Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.

Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?

"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."

It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.

An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.

There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.

Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!

Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering

I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!

(Jan Allison)

My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.

What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.

If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.

What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.

What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.

The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”

I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"

What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.

You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty

You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit

You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger

Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.

Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!

Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?

What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.

What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.

why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.

A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.

Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?

Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.

I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.

What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.

Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain

Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.

Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock

You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.

It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.

My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once

What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...

What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!

What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.

Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.

Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse

What did Delaware? a New Jersey

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.