What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.