What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
I really caribou-t you.
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins