“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
They say everything gets better with age.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
You leave me Wonton more.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.