What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
You snow the drill.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.