I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.