"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
I bet you’re really flexible.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Let’s pretend you’re a croc so we can wrestle!
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop