Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
You're acute Valentine.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
Want to lock our bikes together?
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.