Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call ‘FINE PRINT’!
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.