Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
I’m elf-taught.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
There’s no trick in these pants.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
Have you ever been fishing before? I think we should hook up!
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
I always have a souper time with you.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.