What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
Wait until you see my thunda from down unda!
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.