Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.

What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.

“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford

Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.

What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”

Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.

If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.

You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.

“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons

How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.

All punts are highly intended

What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting

If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.

Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”

I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.

Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.

Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.

What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.

The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".

Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.

I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.

Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!

What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.

Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.

Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.

Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!

Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.

What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?

You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.

Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.

If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.

There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!

Bad puns are how eye roll.

"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."

Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.

What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed

Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.

I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.

“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”

"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"

- Gwyneth Paltrow

That crazy little sun of a beach.

. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.