What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
I'll light your fire for you if you want!
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
My love for you is so strong it can’t be dialyzed.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Take off all your cloves.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger!
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.