I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
What does a house wear?
Address.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.