Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
I want you for no raisin.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?