Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan