I dreamt about you. You died.

Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.

ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.

I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.

When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers

Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner

What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”

You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.

Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.

What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.

I beg your garden?

My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"

What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!

Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.

I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.

A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!

Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.

“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan

“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger

What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.

There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.

“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”

- Jeff Foxworthy.

When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.

"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso

The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!

How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.

What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!

Hey, can I put you on my emergency contact list?

How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.

This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.

What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.

I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.

“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar

What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.

Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.

Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.

I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!