Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.

The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.

My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.

Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.

This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?

“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous

Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.

Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.

I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.

Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!

For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.

I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.

Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!

Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.

How to spot the best mechanic?

The brightest bulb.

"Exclamation!"

I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!

They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!

It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!

Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!

As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?

(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)

– Fiona Halliday

"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.

How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.

What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.

The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!

You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.

My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.

Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.

“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”

A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.

What do crows read? Cawmics.

A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time

I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

I red a joke about colors once. It blue my mind.

You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.

I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.

When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.

Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?

"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock

Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.

I am a mean green machine.

Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.

"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."

What do you call a group of nuts? A nut

I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.

My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.