Let's cross the international dateline together.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
We are perfect balance for each other.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.