What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
I don't know what gate I'm boarding at, but I hope it's close to yours.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.