What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.