What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
I love you so much I would eat the corn from your poop.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.