The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith