Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Even my new stainless steel cookware set isn't as slick as you.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Love me till ice cream.
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
You are my raisin to smile.
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Mirra.
Mirra who?
Mirra mirra on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
You really flipturn me on.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.