Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
Here in Australia it's already tomorrow, wanna know what we did last night?
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I think we're mint to be!
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
The best stretches are partner stretches.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.