What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
How much will $20 get me?
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!