Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
If I kissed you on one cheek, would you turn the other?
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
You knead me in your loaf.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Hey I am like a Rubik's cube the more you play with me the harder I get!
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
I followed my heart to you.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.