Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
If you where a sheep I would clone you.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.