Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
I beg your garden?
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’