"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.