Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
Honestly, I'm into necrophilia. Wanna come home and play dead?
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
Get in the swim this summer.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.