Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
Til death do us part and then some, dear.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!