What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
Sorry I'm late, I kep falling for you on the way.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan