Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
Your beauty is blinding.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.