Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
"It's not me, it's you!"
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
You’re brew-tiful!
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
Are you a human? Just making sure.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.