Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast