At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
I don't normally put all my eggs in one basket, but I wanna be your number one bunny, honey.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!