What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!