I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Now I know why there's no snow - you're so hot!
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.