How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
Whatever coats your boat.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.