My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
You leave me Wonton more.
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
"You crack me up."
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
Baby, you light up my mood like the way chocolate can.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me