“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
You're one in a melon.