Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
Air resistance is a real drag.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
"Great minds drink alike."
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
I love you so fairy much.