An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.