Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Call me on the shellphone.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
How hot does your gas oven get?
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
I call the shots.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw