What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
The sun is just a big space heater.
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.