When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
I'm snow bored.
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!