Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)