What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
Skiing is believing!
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
Hey, girl. Are you a soccer player? Because yuo look like you can play ball even without hands.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.