I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.

The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!

Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.

Burst into cheers!

I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.

We’ve reached the pint of no return.

Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld

If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?

What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.

What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.

Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.

When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.

Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.

Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.

How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!

"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins

Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.

What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot

When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.

Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.

Whatever floats your goat.

“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”

- Terry Pratchett.

You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.

I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.

What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!

You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.

What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.

By the seat of one’s punt

Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?

Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."

The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.

I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow

I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.

How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.

"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly

“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing

What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.

What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.

The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!