What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.