I can go 90 minutes without stopping.

I really hate straws.
They suck.

Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.

What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.

What happens when you run behind a bus?

You get exhausted.

Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!

What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.

Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market

I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.

“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”

- Sir Winston Churchill.

Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.

What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.

Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.

What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"

“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”

- Shailene Woodley.

"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama

For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot

"Read between the wines."

What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!

What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!

The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.

Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.

When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".

I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.

This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.

A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”

Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.

“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad

Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.

Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown

What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.

How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.

My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.

“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”

What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.

How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.

The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.

"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"

Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!

How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.

You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.

How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.

What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.

What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.

Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.

Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.