What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?