"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."

- Unknown

What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!

Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.

Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken

Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.

What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.

How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.

The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.

If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.

What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.

How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!

It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.

What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.

A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!

“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.

There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.

Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.

Shake your shamrocks.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.

This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley

“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne

When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!

RIP boiled water.

You will be mist.

Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.

I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.

A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.

(Anthony Gallagher)

I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.

After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.

I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!

"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous

What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.

My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz

Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.

Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.

I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.

Ruby, or not Ruby…that may be one question, but mine is actually will you go out with me?

Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.

Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.

Someone said you were looking for me.