When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
That was thaw-some!
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.