What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
I love when you coddle me.
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Deaf mute gets new hearing
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
I scored when I met you.
Hey girl… Can I call-cu-later?
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.