What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.