I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
You know, your smile has been lighting up the room all night, and I just had to come and say hello.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.