"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."

What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!

How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.

What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.

What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.

Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.

Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!

"Back that glass up."

“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan

What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.

“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”

Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.

If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.

"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family

Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.

I think you’re pretty Stella-r

Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.

“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel

She acts like summer and walks like rain.

What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.

Is your tent erect yet or do you need help with that?

The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”

I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.

My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.

What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!

Is it me or is there an interaction between us?

Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

Let’s take an elfie.

Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.

I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

Let's cross the international dateline together.

I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!

I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!

Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.

Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.

What do you call a negative fog?

A pessimist.

It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.

What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.

“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous

Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution

Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.

What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.

Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.

I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.