“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.