Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
Your pace or mine?
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Are you a human? Just making sure.
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
"I need to re-wine my life."
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
Can I hiber-mate with you?
The goal nine yards
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.