“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
Books are my kind of texts.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
Let’s put our tulips together.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
You sweep me off my feet!
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!