Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!