Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
Bookworms take shelfies.
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
“The road to success is always under construction.”
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.