Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)

The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.

I’ll always be running-back to you.

What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.

If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.

What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.

My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.

Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin

What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?

Long time, no sea.

Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!

After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.

What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.

The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?

What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!

There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.

How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.

If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.

I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.

He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.

I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.

His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...

I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.

(By Christian M. Mitewu)

Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"

“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.

Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.

How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.

Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.

Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon

Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.

"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.

What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.

"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline

Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"

Little Johnny: "Big hands!"

What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?

Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.

When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.

I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz

How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.

Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.

A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.

I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.

My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.

I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.

Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.