Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
I just want you to know: I think you're El Salvadorable.
Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
I can heartly wait to see you.
I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.