“Look out for Santa Paws!”
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Someone said you were looking for me.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.