I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
Angel, I want to run all the way with you.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.