Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
The huddle is real
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
What are the chances I open with a pun that’s so bad you Leah-ve me hanging?
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
Someone said you were looking for me.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.
You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!