Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
I’m thinking about buying a new phone because this crappy one doesn’t have your number in it.
I'm the life of the paddy.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
"Time to wine down."
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Should we go out on Friday? Isla pick you up at 7.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.