A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
You remind me of my last biking accident. Because I am going head over heels for you.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
I read dead people.
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
Roses are red
Violets are cheaper
If I leave silent voicemails
Please don’t call me a creeper.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!