What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
Air resistance is a real drag.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
I don't know what gate I'm boarding at, but I hope it's close to yours.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!