What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
I wood never leaf you.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey who tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.