Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14