Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers