There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
Wanna churn butter with me?
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.