Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Is this the registration table? Because I need a number from you.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
Hey baby, can I get your phone number? Oops, too late.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.