The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
"Say you'll be wine."
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch