What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
"No eggs-cuses."
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
I goat this.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.