What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
You’re my lucky charm.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.