She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?

How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.

My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up

What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.

“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker

My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.

What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.

If I kissed you on one cheek, would you turn the other?

Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.

Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.

What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.

I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you

Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.

I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.

[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.

Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.

How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.

I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.

As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.

There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.

They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.

Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...

Dying to Czech it out

What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.

Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.

Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.

What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!

What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.

What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!

What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!

What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.

"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."

Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.

I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.

Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.

"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."

My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.

Dog heaven must be missing an angel.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.

Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.

Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."

What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.

What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.

What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!

What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."

An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.