Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking out of this relationship.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart