Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.

What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.

What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.

"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"

Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.

She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.

One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.

So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.

I'd run miles just to be with you.

How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.

My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.

In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.

The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?

What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?

Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.

If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.

What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.

Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?

Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!

You look like my future ex wife.

What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.

“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde

“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett

I have bean
thinking about you.

My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"

And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".

Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.

What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.

What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!

Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.

What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker

"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx

Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.

Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.

“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.

My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.

I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!

What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.

We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.

When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.

Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.

What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.

Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.

Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.

At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.

Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day

What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!