Metaphors be with you.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
Summer should get a speeding ticket
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
More candles means a bigger wish!
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
I loaf you.
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.