Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
You octopi my thoughts.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."