So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Burst into cheers!
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Octopus ocular optics.
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
Icy what you did there.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason