“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
Girl, I'm jealous of your shirt.
Because it's wrapped around you and I'm not.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.
Case in punt
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
Baby, you rock my world!
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
I don't know what gate I'm boarding at, but I hope it's close to yours.
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.