The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!