If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
Were you forged in the fires of Mount Doom? Because you're precious to me.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
So, is it my dugout or yours?
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.