The ocean made me salty.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.