Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
Whoever said that no one is perfect has never seen you.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
I loaf you.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.