Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Talk literary to me.
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Icy what you did there.