I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
You snow the drill.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
"Lazy bones."
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.