What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.