How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
How hot does your gas oven get?
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
Shake your shamrocks.
I'd start a revolution for your number.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
One should always practice what they peach.
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
Nice beach balls, can I play?
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.